Golf Questions Answered Part 3

Third time's a charm, or so it has been said. You know, I would really like to think so. Considering Golf Questions Answered...The Golfstinks.com Way! was a success and Part Dos! faired just as well, it's only natural to continue.

So, keeping with the tradition, we'll get to the general inquiries but this time around we'll touch upon some personal stuff too. Let's get to it!

Q: Why is Tiger not winning any more?
A: Let's break it down:

1. August 1996 - November 2009 - Butt load of women=butt load of wins.
2. November 2009 - present - No women=no wins. Do the math.

Q: What does John Daly carry in his pockets?
A: This took a little research.

1. 1987 - 1990 - money, bottle opener and cigarettes.
2. 1990-2010 - a lot less money, cigarettes, bad stuff we were told to 'just say no to' and a half pint.
3. 2010 - present - a copy of his album (yes, he actually recorded an album) and...cigarettes.

Q: Who's the biggest ladies' man on the tour?
A: Well, thanks to TW, you've got a better shot at bringing peace to the mideast than finding this out.

Q: If I ground my wedge in a sand trap and no one sees it, should I say anything?
A: In the words of Judge Smails: "The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for; goodness...or badness." Come on man, Judge Smails was a fictional character! No harm no foul.

Q: What are some good drills when I'm off the course?A: Dewalt, Black & Decker or Makita. Any more questions?

Well, that wraps up another successful Q & A session. If you have any golf questions please forward them to pete@golfstinks.com. Thank you yet again and I really look forward to part 4!

Hit'em long...yell FORE!!!

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You Golf the Way You Eat

About a year ago, I asked what you eat at the turn. In my research for that post, I discovered that eating at the turn is only half the battle. It's also about what you eat before your round (and the snacks between holes) too. Like most nutritionists say about all sports; Eating well leads to playing well.

But is this really true for golf?

Physically fit golfers are a rather new anomaly on the pro tour. Remember a few decades ago? Think about Jack Nicklaus, who until he trimmed-down for the 1970 season, was the subject of "fat" jokes. Or more recently, John Daly. I think those guys proved you don't have to be in top shape to play great golf.

OK, I know what you're thinking: "But those guys are far and few between - most golfers are thin." Perhaps, but let's forget about the pros for a minute and concentrate on the average weekend hack. Many of us stop at Dunkin' Donuts or McDonald's to grab a coffee and breakfast sandwich before our round.

Well, according to the vast majority of nutritionists out there, chowing on a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich before your round is disastrous. It may give you an initial boost of energy but by the back nine, you'll be dragging ass. I have to admit, I'm usually pretty tired for the last three holes...perhaps it's that Egg McMuffin coming back to haunt me. Or, perhaps it's because for the last 3 hours I've played 15 holes of golf!

Anyway, let's get back to whether eating "right" before and during a round matters or not. Consider the title of this post: "You Golf the Way You Eat." Well, I have fun eating and I have fun golfing. So I guess that statement is true.

OK, I know what you're thinking again: "That's not what that statement means!" No? Hmmm. I'm not sure what else it can mean. For me, I golf to relax...To unwind and have some fun. Why ruin it with a special golf diet?

Now I'm not telling everyone to eat comfort foods while playing golf...But I am saying: Do what makes you happy. Who cares if that hot dog and beer at the turn costs you a couple strokes on the last two holes? Unless I'm playing for money, I'd gladly give up the strokes for the dog and brew.

Now, I realize not everyone is like me. But if you're an average hacker and are forcing yourself to eat a specific way in hopes of lowering your score...consider this: You're not going to make the PGA tour. Ever. Not gonna happen. Not a chance. Pigs will fly first. Hell will freeze over and the sky will fall before you make a living playing professional golf.

But, I digress.

See? I bet that beer and hot dog are looking better already.

Despite the fact that Stinky Golfer Greg writes for this popular golf blog, he is in no way, shape or form qualified to be giving nutritional advice. Always check with your physician before altering your diet.

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Only You John Daly...Only You

I have to give Mr. Daly credit. He might not be the best role model for the young golfers out there but, I admire his honesty. A couple weeks back he was signing a copy of his book "My Life In And Out Of The Rough" (hmmmmm...you could also replace the word "Rough" with other stuff like "Bottle" or "Most Ridiculous Pants"). Anyway, he supposedly told a Charlotte, NC newspaper that he was happier as a miserable drunk and that he played better drunk.

Come on John, don't sugar coat it! Tell us how you really feel. He also went on to mention that he hasn't had a drink in two years and that the more he works on his game sober, the worse he gets. And he hasn't been in the top 10 in the last 4 years, to boot. Well, I guess that puts the kibosh on a possible career in motivational or public speaking when he retires from golf. Could you imagine if he was to speak at an AA meeting?

This brings me to my next issue. What's up with the threads? I'm going to chalk his wardrobe up to the booze. Oh no? You tell me...

Could these pants be symbolic? Is he going "Tiger" hunting in his red and black? Nah, you can blame Jack Daniels.


Ok...Ringling Bros. might be hiring if this golf thing doesn't pan out.


Aloha...


John Daly, you ol' motor boatin' son of a b, I didn't know you were such a fan of John Holmes?


John, please tell me this is for breast cancer awareness.

You know what John, we might bust them on you a little now and again, but in my book, you're an honest, stand-up (maybe wobbly at times but standing up nonetheless) guy. Thanks for keeping us smiling...

Hit'em long, yell FORE!

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What's More Frightening Than My Golf Game?

Up until now, the scariest thing for me about this great sport of golf has been my own game. I have seen fellow golfers cringe at the site of me in a trap. Some have stared on in horror as I line up a four-footer. Others have even released blood-curdling screams at the site of my drives! Well.., on second thought, that could have been laughter. But either way...the point is my golf game is scary!

As scary as it may be though, it doesn't quite qualify as that Halloween type scary. But what in golf does? A Mickelson meltdown? A Sergio blowup? John Daly's pants? If those don't do it for ya...how about a creepy, ghostly figure watching from the woods as you putt-out on 18?

Sound ridiculous? Well, some golfers at the City Park golf courses in New Orleans would argue otherwise. Here, on the 18th hole of the East Course, that's exactly what many golfers have reportedly witnessed. How's that for a gallery?

For some people however, fear lies in the unknown. So what about a supposed ghost that no one ever sees but causes mischief? A golf course poltergiest if you will. We'll have to travel to England for this one. The Church Stretton Golf Course in Shropshire, UK reportedly has a ghost inhabiting the thirteenth hole. Locals here talk of a ghost who will steal your tee shots right from the middle of the fairway! Supposedly, you can see your drive land, but it's a different story when you arrive at that spot as the ball is nowhere to be found. I'd like to see a ruling on that situation! Would it be considered an act of God? If it is a ghost...is it a hazard? If the ghost was murdered in its earthly life...then is it a man-made hazard and therefore you get a free drop?

Maybe watchers in the woods and ball thiefing spectres aren't enough for you. In that case, how about the reported sightings of the ghost of a woman murdered on the course she haunts? In 1936 a woman was murdered on the seventh fairway of the beautiful Victoria Golf Club in Victoria, BC, Canada. Reportedly, her presence can be spotted on that very fairway!

OK, but these are just reports. There's no proof or evidence of any type. Ah, but what if there was? The photograph above is one of two taken at the Aetna Springs Golf Course in Pope Valley, CA - arguably the oldest course west of the Mississippi. Supposedly, the pictures were taken on the course in 1963. Several shots were taken, but in only two, strange images showed up on film that were not visible at the time of the shots. As the story goes, the images of eight monks have been seen crossing a fairway on this course. Some witnesses have reportedly even been able to make out the agonized expressions on the monks faces! Now that's one for the Ghost Hunters!

There you have it. I didn't think I could do it, but in the spirit of Halloween, I found something out on the golf course scarier than my game. And I even found a picture to prove it. But not only did I find that, I have now also stumbled across a great new excuse for losing my ball - it was snatched up by a ghost! Let's see if I can get anyone to go along with that one!

Happy Halloween!

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My Halloween Costume

Stinky Golfer Greg mentioned in his last post, "You Know that Local Course You Love So Much?" that autumn sadly signifies the end of our golf season here in the Northeast.

Luckily, we have halloween though, a chance to dress up like a tool and still be accepted. Not that I dress like a tool normally, but you get the idea. What do you mean I can't wear cowboy boots and spandex shorts?

So, I put some thought into my halloween costume this year and decided it should be golf-related. Not wanting to jump on the bandwagon and be Cigar Guy, I thought I could go as a professional tour player. How about Phil Mickelson? Good ol' Lefty would be a good one. All I have to do is make it to the end and...not win. Oof! Maybe not as good an idea as I thought.

John Daly...bingo! This has two options; the fat version or the not so fat version. I'll raid a trailer park for some threads, solicit a hooker and get s@#%-faced everywhere I go. On top of that, I'll wager butt loads of money frivolously anywhere that I can gamble it away. Wait, I think Daly doesn't drink anymore and just chain smokes now. Plus, I really don't have the extra cash to be betting with. Scratch JD off the list. Next!

Tiger, Tiger Woods y'all!!! Oh man, I'll whip everyones' ass and sleep with all the women while sporting the red and black Nike get-up. Sweet! Actually, I won't even be available for Halloween because I gotta show the new beer-cart girl my putter. You know, I want her to see how I sink my balls in-person. This has potential...a little risky but has potential.

I could always go a little old school with someone like Greg Norman. That would be pretty cool. Fake a Down-Under accent, rock a pimp hat (come on, his hat is one feather away from Huggy Bear's collection) and throw some shrimp on the barbie. G'day mate, it sure is a lovely day. Golf? What is that? Would yoos care ta try some of me wine? Or maybe not...

The hell with it! Being a pro golfer is unrealistic. I need something that is more...me. Something I can really relate to. A costume that fits my persona and allows for an easy transition into character. Now where did I put that Mr. T wig?

Hit'em long, yell FORE!!! Cuz' I pity the fool with no golf etiquette!

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Why Golf, Why?

Ok, so I have another issue with this torture-inflicting game called golf that I love so much - our relationship. It's true, we are suckers for abuse. The worse you treat us the more difficult it is to stay away.

You know that friend you may have secretly liked but they were so wrapped up in a crappy relationship with an abusive a-hole and everybody saw it except them? Well, I'm the friend and golf is the abusive a-hole.

I went and checked out some classic signs of a bad relationship and it's just as I suspected:

• Lack of Trust - How do you trust someone (or thing) that lets you down a lot? Hey, I know I could practice more but, WTF. How about showing some love once in a while? Maybe a kick towards the fairway instead of the woods.

• Disrespect - Not treating the other person like they are important. Golf, do you know how it feels when all I do is try to take care of you and in return you do stuff like give me 10 on a par 3?

• Fear of Change - I can't change now. I've invested too much into this already, plus softball messes with my swing.

• Physical or Emotional Abuse - Do I need to go here?

But wait, there is good news! With a little help, we can develop a healthy, happy relationship with golf once again. It may take a little time but we can do it. Get back in that driver's seat and own what's yours! Who wears the knickers in this relationship...? That's right - we do!

Personally, I look to players like Phil Mickelson and John Daly for inspiration. These guys have had their share of ups and downs. They should be counselors with all the real life experience they have. If there's one thing I can take away from all of this - it's to have fun. Don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy your time together.

Hit'em long...yell FORE! Don't get whipped...

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