10 Golf Etiquette Rules Most Jackasses Ignore

I've been playing golf for over 20 years and am quite comfortable with the fact that I stink. And to be honest, I'm quite comfortable in the fact that most people I'm paired-up with also stink. I've always said: "You don't have to be good at golf to love it or play it." However, golf etiquette is another story completely and quite necessary on the golf course.

Anybody who was taught to play this game the right way knows what I'm talking about - those unspoken rules of golf that show respect to your fellow players. You know; don't step in someone's line; don't put your bag on the green; don't talk while someone is swinging; etc.

The aforementioned rules are classic and well-known. But there are other, less obvious etiquette laws that golfers ignore all the time. Below are 10 discourteous acts that many uncultivated types employ on a regular basis:

#10
Hitting on the Cart Girl
This has got to be the worst come-on ever. It's right up there with hitting on the waitress. Look, everybody knows the MOFOBETE will probably be hot - that's why she got the job in the first place. But we men inevitably devolve into gawking Cro-Magnon's and can't help but treat these girls like they're dancing on a pole instead of serving us a beer.

#9
Throwing your Clubs
I actually polled people about this in a post I wrote last year. Sure, it might be funny for the first time or two someone follows-up a wretched shot with a toss of the old club. But if that same person is constantly flinging the war sticks across the fairway, it can get annoying fast. You've heard the saying "there's no crying in baseball?" Well, there should be no temper-tantrums in golf.

#8
Talking on your Cell Phone
There's actually an entire site dedicated to cell phone behavior. In golf, unless you're waiting at the turn, there's no reason to be chatting-away while walking up the fairway. And I guarantee the conversation won't end just because it's someone's turn to hit - nope...you'll just talk softer (but not soft enough) and inevitably will end the call by saying "OK, Bye" really loudly. How about keeping the phone in your bag and on mute during the round?

#7
Texting During Someone's Swing
I know you think you're being discreet by texting instead of talking, but I can still see your stupid fingers going a mile a minute in my peripheral vision. Isn't golf hard enough without multitasking? There's no reason to: Tweet about every shot; upload course pics to your Facebook page; or checkin at the 5th hole on Foursquare. Please note the last sentence of #8.

#6
Swearing Profusely...at Yourself
It's totally cool if you want to call yourself an "asshole" after a poor shot. I get it - you're frustrated and you needed to express yourself - completely understandable. But don't go running away with it. There's absolutely no reason to carry on verbally abusing yourself over a slice you've had since the 10th grade. I mean, where is your self respect? Really, it's embarrassing - for both you and your foursome.

#5
Playing from the Wrong Tee Box
You know that pit in your stomach you get while waiting on the first hole and watching the hackers ahead of you flub all their drives? Well, I can live with that feeling...unless they are teeing-off from the back tees. There is no greater frustration than this - getting behind a bunch of clowns teeing off from the tips when it's obvious they should be playing from the forward tees. I've actually dedicated an entire post to this last year and it's perhaps one of my biggest golf-peeves. If you learn anything from this list, learn which tee-box you belong on.

#4
Excessive Use of Your GPS
Some people question if high-handicappers should own a GPS in the first place, but I'm not one of them - Even golfers who are trying to break 100 are going to benefit from knowing the exact yardage to the pin. But there comes a time when enough is enough: You don't need your GPS device on the tee-box of a par 5. And if your standing next to the 150-yard marker, you don't need to check if the course's measurements are accurate. If you're truly unsure what your distance is on your approach, by all means break-out the GPS. But using it just for the fun of it on every shot is no fun for the rest of your group (or the group behind you for that matter).

#3
Driving the Cart Like a Drunken Idiot
A good number of golfers feel like a golf cart is their own personal ATV...and most of the time alcohol is the reason for their reckless abandon. Perhaps this is why around 1,000 Americans a month are injured in golf cart accidents. Something rather juvenile overcomes people when they get behind that Plexiglas windshield. But remember - they're there as caddies, not as bumper cars.

#2
Giving Swing Advice When No One Asks for It
Who are these people and where do they come from? Every time I mention this to a fellow golfer, they agree with me: "Oh I hate that too!" But some of them must be hypocrites, because there are way too many people out on the course giving swing advice who are not qualified to do so. If you're an impromptu advice giver and are not a PGA-certified pro, please take this subtle hint: YOU'RE NOT FREAKING HELPING - YOU'RE JUST BEING AN ANNOYING PRICK!

#1
Talking about How Great you Usually Play
We all know this person: "Boy, I can't believe I just got another triple-bogey...Normally I break 80 at this course." I wanna scream at the top of my lungs; "What are you, an idiot?! We both know that's absolute bollocks!" You shouldn't even be allowed on the golf course if you're this guy. Seriously, I should be able to call in your ridiculousness along with my order on the 9th-tee. Then when we make the turn, a couple of rangers escort you to the parking lot, confiscate your clubs and send you home with a certified "never play golf again" card.

Well, now that that's off my chest, it's time for me to get out my cell phone, have a few beers, jump in a golf cart and dive like a maniac down the par 5, 11th while shouting-out swing advice to anyone within ear-shot. Happy golfing.

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When Is It Too Hot To Play Golf?

Monday afternoon, stinky golfers Greg, Pete and I were making our way through a round of 18. We're somewhere on the back nine when Pete, after pushing a putt left of the cup, exhaustively states "It's too hot to miss."

Too hot to miss. That statement got a chuckle out of Greg and I. But, after I thought about it for a second, I came to realize that, at the time, truer words had never been spoken.

Here in Connecticut, we are in the midst of a record-breaking heat spell. We're talking triple digits here. I'm not sure what the "official" temperature was, but I know the thermometer in my car hit 100 around 4:30 that afternoon, and the thermometer outside a local bank read 102 about the same time of day. So what could the temp have been around 1 or 2 o'clock? Bottom line, it's hot. So, as far as Pete's comment, is it too hot to miss...maybe it's simply too hot to golf?

There comes a time every golf season when the mercury drops a bit too far down the ladder for golf. It's an individual preference, but for me, that point is about 50 degrees. Once the temp drops below that 50 degree mark, golf will not happen that day for me. But I never thought about the other end of the spectrum. At what point is it too hot for golf?

Normally, I don't take a cart. I like to walk the course. But I've made a personal rule; at 90 degrees, I take a cart. At that mark, I've decided, it's too hot to walk. However, I've never set a mark where it's just too hot to golf at all. Though I may have reached that point yesterday.

Riding the course sure does take a load off. But on a 100-degree day it made almost no difference. By the time I was midway through the back nine, I was toast. I stayed hydrated - two 20 oz. Gatorades and three 20 oz. waters - but I would immediately sweat out everything I put in. The only cure would have been an IV. But has anyone ever tried teeing off with a tube in their arm? Me either, but I'd imagine it's pretty challenging.

So I'm implementing a new personal rule. I now have a 50 degree temperature range within which the sport of golf will occur in my life. I'll call it "The 50-degree rule." When the temperature drops below 50 degrees or rises above 100 degrees, I will not golf that day.

Does anyone else get this idea in their head? At what point is it too hot or too cold for your golfing preference? Or, does it not matter to you? Will you play in freezing temps if the opportunity is there? Would you carry a personal air conditioner if you could just to play golf that day?

Let us hear from you. How does the temperature affect your golfing decisions?

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The Lazy Person's Ideal Golf Course

Do you find yourself taking the elevator instead of the stairs even though the building is two floors? Will you watch something on TV you don't want to just because you're on the La-Z-Boy and the remote is out of reach?

As America gets lazier (so says medical and health officials) and technology improves, I figured I would present a few ideas that would make a lazy golfer's round more accommodating by combining technology with laziness.

1. Concierge - What other amenity adds class and lets you be carefree than a concierge? You call them, tell them you want to play at whatever time and voila, easy as that. They make sure every thing is ready when you come, such as...

2. Curbside Check-In - part of the concierge's duties is to have an attendant ready with a golf cart at your spot in the parking lot. Who the heck wants to walk to the club house anymore? How can you avoid going into the clubhouse to check-in and pay? Technology, my friend, something along the lines of this...

3. Golf Cart 2.0 - You've parked and there waits for you a technologically advanced cart with GPS and a touchscreen display on a secured wireless network. From this display you can pay for the round and it's a digital scorecard to boot. It would be silly if that's all this thing did...glad you asked. Here's what else:

• Order food or beverages from the touchsreen display and have the MOFOBETE deliver it to wherever you are. Thanks GPS!


• Want a cigar or sun tan lotion? No worries, just like the food and drinks, order it on your wireless touchscreen display and within minutes the delivery hits your cart. GPS, you're the best!
  
  
• Left a club, club head cover or your weed stash behind? Fear not! Punch that in to GC 2.0's computer and out come the hounds. Soon enough a Go-Fer will show up with your belongings. Unless some greasy scumbag behind you scoops your goods. GPS...you got the picture.
  
  
• And yes, this will also give you distances to the green and what not. Hey, maybe even the pro's tip for that hole.

We could go into further detail but that would require more work (hence making me a hypocrite seeing that this is about being lazy). Not for nothing but I think I'm on to something here. It's kind of funny though, working so hard to design something to be so lazy...

Hit'em long, yell Fore!

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Did Someone Say Golf Is Supposed To Be Fun?

We all recognize the golf course as a place for camaraderie, competition and challenge. But many of us also recognize the course as a place for memorable, humorous moments, jokes and some good old-fashioned ball-busting. Be it a one-liner after a wicked slice, a tee tossed just in front of a lined-up putt or an emphatic "Good luck!" an instant before the strike of the ball on the opening drive. Yup, the golf course offers up many memories just waiting to be made.

Now you hardcore golfers, who have it in your head that you're on some kind of tour, probably just read the previous paragraph and cringed. "Talking during the swing? Well I never..." That's because you never played with me and you're not part of our regular golfing circle. I pulled that crap just a couple of weeks ago with our co-founder, Stinky Golfer Tom (who, for multiple reasons, we have nicknamed "Dog"). Did he get angry? Nope. Did it ruin his round? No...Dog's round was ruined the minute he showed up to the course. What was Dog's reaction? A smile and a playful shove on his way back to the cart. Just what I would expect from Dog, which is why I know I can mess around with him. And several holes later, when I wasn't expecting it...payback. He got me with the same damn thing.

My point is, I'm not interested in hearing about your chip-in from the trap or your 35-foot putt. Ho-hum...happens all the time. I'm not going to remember your story anyway. But what I will remember is the joke someone made while walking down the third fairway. The following are some of the more humorous moments I have so far experienced in my relatively short golf career. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did at the time.

"Lost Balls"
Stinky Golfer Greg and I were playing 18 with an older gentleman, whose name has since slipped my mind. I can honestly say I remember absolutely nothing about the round except one unintended joke. The three of us were walking together down one of the fairways when we noticed a few guys from an adjacent fairway looking for their drives. The older gentleman spots the balls lying in the rough to the right of our fairway and promptly shouts at the top of his lungs..."Hey, looks like you guys lost your balls over here!" Now that's not the funny part. The funny part is, the "lost your balls" line obviously sparked a joke in the immature minds of both Greg and I. But not two or three seconds after this guy shouts out his helpful directions, he realizes what he said. He then quietly mutters "Lost your balls...listen to me...I'd better keep my mouth shut!" The joke isn't that funny to begin with. But when you hear it from a 70+ year-old guy after he realized he shouted it out loud across a couple fairways...it was priceless.

"Your Husband"
The first time I ever heard this insult, I almost peed my pants. Stinky Golfer Dog and I were paired up with a couple of other guys who, more or less, played the game the same way we play it. We all stunk, but we were having a good time. The jokes and insults were flying throughout the round. But when one of the guys left an 8-10 foot putt about a foot-and-a-half short, the other looked at him and without hesitation said..."Nice putt, maybe next time your husband can play with us." Years later, the joke now seems old and completely sexist. But back when I first heard it, I laughed out loud, as did Dog and the butt of the joke, like a little school girl. Good stuff.

"Which club you usin' Pete?"
Stinky Golfers Dog, Greg, Pete and I, for the first and likely only time, managed to drop all of our drives in a relatively similar position. So we're discussing amongst ourselves which club we're going to hit on our approach. But none of us asked Pete what he was going to use. So, not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, I decided to ask him myself. Thing was, Pete was in the middle of his backswing when I asked "Which club you usin' Pete?" He bounced his shot about 50 yards down the fairway, but hey...at least it was straight!

Looked like a path to me...
Dog and I took a cart out at some course somewhere. Dog hit a great shot onto one of the greens, but I sliced mine off onto another fairway. He tells me he'll walk up to the green so I can take the cart over to my ball. But the fairway in which my ball was lying was down a hill. I could follow the cart path down and around and backtrack to my ball, but I didn't want to hold up the group behind us. So I looked for a shortcut. Sure enough a few feet down the cart path was (what looked to me anyway) like a path down the hill. So I took a right turn and headed down. Big mistake. I realized too late that this hill was much too steep to be taking a cart down. I hit the brakes, but they were useless. I bounced my way down this hill like a rolling boulder and have no idea how the cart didn't split in two. Despite my flailing limbs as I desperately tried to hang onto the steering wheel, I notice a few guys, obviously pissed off, yelling in my direction. I saw their lips moving, but due to the creaking and banging of my cart, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying. But an instant later, I was at the bottom of the hill. So I took a quick left, headed to my ball and hit as quickly as I could. Once back up top, Dog looks at me and says..."Those guys we're pissed!" Honestly, it was a hell of a ride, but one I never meant to take.

"Do you guys see it?"
Dog and I (You may notice Dog in a few of these stories which is not just a coincidence) were playing a course with a guy we got hooked up with. We're on one of the tees standing behind Dog as he readies for his drive. Dog hauls off and takes one of his usual mighty swings. Laughter ensues. Me and this other guy are cracking up because, well, we've never seen anything like it. Dog must have hit the top of the ball just right because it popped up about knee-high and fell straight back down, almost landing back on his tee. But what me and this other guy are really laughing about is Dog, having no idea what happened, is staring down the fairway, hand over his eyes, asking "Do you see the ball? What's so funny? Where is it?" I laughingly respond "Look down you idiot." 'Nuff said.

"Not gonna say Fore!"
One time out on the course, Stinky Golfer Pete informs us he is not going to yell "Fore!" to warn other golfers of his incoming projectiles. Instead, he's going to try something new. So sure enough, a few holes out...here it comes. Pete launches one in the general direction of another foursome. Now, just so everyone knows, there was no chance at all the group was in any danger. The ball was really nowhere near them. But Pete, playing it safe shouts out his "Fore!" alternative. With his left hand raised, index finger pointed at the sky, wide-eyed and smiling...Pete shouts out..."Attenzione!!!"...and again..."Attenzione!!!" This episode happened six or seven years ago...and it hasn't gotten old yet.

There are so many more...probably some much funnier than what I have mentioned here. But I can't seem to remember them all. And whatever comes to mind, I can save those for another time.

I suppose I should also mention that I hope everyone reading this understands we mean no disrespect to the game, the courses, the etiquette or the other players. We just like to keep things loose. We like to keep the moments light. We would never do any of these things or make any of these jokes at what would be considered an improper time. But if you can't add a bit of fun to your rounds, then you simply have the wrong idea out on the course.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say...if you're reading this, then you likely have no chance of ever becoming a PGA Tour pro. So relax, have fun and keep things light. The game is a hell of a lot more fun that way.

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Walk or Ride; Which Game of Golf do you Play?

Before you tee-off on the first hole; heck, before you even fork-over your hard-earned money in the pro shop; you have to decide the answer to a simple question: Am I going to walk or ride? Until recently, I never thought this could mean playing two different games.

For many, this question is easily answered. On the one hand, you have the walkers; these people either want some exercise or they are traditionalists who feel walking is the way golf was intended to be played (or both).

On the other hand, you have the riders (not counting when a course has a mandatory cart rule), who are usually bucketed into two groups: people who physically need to take a cart, and those who just don't take the game of golf too seriously.

Think about that second group for a moment...

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with someone wanting to ride around the course just having fun. In fact, it seems golf would lose a ton of business if it weren't for people wanting to do that. But many times this leads to behavior on the course that serious golfers consider unacceptable...But that's because we're playing two different games!

Not long ago, I asked if you drink while you golf. Most people who took my poll said they don't drink during the round. But really, there's this notion that some rounds are for serious play and other rounds are just for drinking and fun. Maybe I'm a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but this never even occurred to me before - that these are two different games we're talking about here; one walking, not drinking and playing the game seriously; and the other riding, drinking and just out there smacking balls every which way while you spend time with your buddies. See? Two different reasons for being out on the course.

Consider this: Our pals over at Of Course posed the "walk or ride" question the other day on their Facebook page and received some interesting responses; things like "I ride because how else am I suppose to carry a case of beer around on the course?" And other gems like "Golf is the only sport that allows drinking and driving" and "when I want to play serious, I walk." That last comment suggests sometimes people play rounds seriously, while other times they're out there just to drink and have fun - in which case they take a cart. In fact, the majority of those commenting rode simply because they wanted to use the cart as a portable keg.

Now I understand the fellas over at Of Course appeal to a certain demographic, but this "two different games" notion seems to be a reality in golf - it's no wonder those playing one game don't get along with those playing the other...albeit one group is usually breaking a pleathora of etiquette rules. Angrily we think: "Hey, we're all out here trying to play golf, right?" Ah, see now that's where we've been wrong.

Take the poll and let us know what game of golf you play:

Do you Walk or Ride?

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Fore & Cheers! Do You Drink & Golf?

I've posted about drinking on the course before - mainly about the antics that ensue from the combination of a good buzz and a golf cart.

But drinking and golf go back long before the golf cart was invented. Think about that for a second - the Scots invented the game - what are the odds old Tom Morris kept a flask wedged between his mashie and spoon?

I know that many who belong to the Tennis Shoe Crowd strap a cooler of beer to the cart simply because they don't know what else to do on a golf course. But what about those of us that play more frequently?

Here's where I'm a bit confused. I like beer. I have a couple drafts in the 19th hole after nearly every round. But I never drink on the course. What makes this strange is that I'll smoke a nice Connecticut-wrapped, Honduran cigar on the course, but rarely do I puff a Churchill when I'm not on the links. What gives?

What's more, golf seems to encourage drinking. OK, I'm not saying golf will drive you to drink - I mean, it may...but what I'm saying is you play in a tournament and there's alcohol everywhere. There's beer before and after the round; the MOFOBETE has beer; and organizers may even bring in scantaly-clad ladies to set-up cocktail booths at different holes (those girls are trouble by the way - and no Honey, I never talk to them...I don't even look at them)...

Anyway, all this has me pondering why I don't drink on the course. And I guess my answer is this: I care too much about my game to impair it with alcohol - be it one beer or ten.

Wow. Sorry, I didnt realize how much that last statement makes me sound like a complete jackass. You see, I stink at golf. I don't even have an outside shot at winning a local tourney, let alone a professional one. But the truth is, I take golf too serioulsy to drink while playing it. Am I alone?

Take the poll and let me know...

Do You Drink While You Golf?

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10 Sure-Fire Signs You're in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don't get me wrong - you can't always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I'm in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links - and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let's take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it's used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it's going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. "But I can get it, I see it right there..." This is golf, not fishing...drop a ball and move on.

2. They're bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people - they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it's a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they're only playing nine.

3. They're a member of the "Tennis Shoe Crowd"
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it's for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes - these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it's your lucky day!

4. There's beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble - especially if it's a cooler full of beer...double-trouble if there's 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don't get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn't a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless...

5. They've got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course - even to putt (see figure 1). Tom's a great guy and we've been friends for years, but I just don't get the two gloves thing - it's just strange...and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago...

6. They're playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you're in for an interesting round...and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There's no reason for this at all - that's why there's a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in - it's going to be a long day.

9. If they're bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks - I'm almost hesitant to shake the guy's hand. We haven't even teed-off and he's already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: "I'm really off my game today").

And finally...
10. They're teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you're paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there - help us all out by leaving a comment.

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