Maybe What We Need Is Beer-League Golf...

Have you ever met the guy who has no friggin' idea what his handicap is? You're having a conversation and golf comes up. You say "So you play, huh? What's your handicap?" And you get this..."No idea. I usually shoot in the upper-90's or low 100's." And you give him that look like you're thinking "How the hell does this guy not know what his handicap is?" Don't you just hate that guy? Well guess what...that guy is me.

The only reason I have some sort of general idea about my handicap is due to Stinky Golfer Greg. He figures it out for me. Otherwise, and for the most part anyway, I'm the guy who makes the above statement.

What I can't figure out for the life of me is, why people look at me like I have three heads when I tell them I don't know what my handicap is? Really now...what's the big deal? If golf is supposed to be this game you play against yourself, then why is everyone so concerned with everyone elses handicap? Do you just want to know if you're better than me? Here, I'll make it simple for you...I stink....you're better....my name is Stinky Golfer Chris for cryin' out loud! There, do you feel better about your own game now? Glad I could help.

I don't understand why all these golfers who are not pro players (and I'm sorry to inform them, never will be) have some fascination with this number. I also fail to understand why the simple concept of playing golf just for the fun of it, goes right over the heads of most. I'll go back to an old analogy I made - I play beer league softball. I know or run into many others who play softball also. However, I have yet to hear one of those players ask me what my batting average is. Truthfully, why would they care? It's just softball for fun. Don't get me wrong...we all try to win. But if we don't...so what? I look at golf in the same light. Why is that so hard for other golfers to understand?

I guess I just don't understand the concept of spending obscene amounts of money on golf lessons only to take my new and improved game out to my local tracks. Let's go back to softball for a second. I try to do well when I play...but I'm not about to go take private batting lessons with Walt Hriniak or field grounders with Ozzie Smith. I play for fun! Just like I do with golf! Why is that so hard to understand?

For some reason though, golfers just don't get that. Most golfers can't understand that I step onto the course with every intention of having a good time. If I play well, great! If not, great! As long as I played.

See, I think like this: Once I begin to really work at golf (lots of practice, taking lessons, etc...) the game is no longer a game. It's now work. I don't ever want a sport that I enjoy to become work. Especially if I'm not going to get paid for it!

Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anyone else not know, or care, what their handicap is? Does anyone else play this sport simply for the fun of it? I can't be the only one of my kind....can I?

Swing 'til you're happy! It's the reason I play!

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A New Year's Golf Resolution

Do you know what I hate? New Year's resolutions. Aren't they the worst? Honestly, what's the point?! How many of you have actually made a resolution that you've stuck with? Actually, how many of you even make New Year's resolutions?

I gave up on resolutions long ago. I have come to the realization that I'm not going to join a gym, I'm not going to make a serious effort to lose weight and I'm not going to try to be "nicer" to people. As a matter of fact, the only resolution I have stuck with is to not make any more resolutions. It seems to be working out!

However, this year I've decided to make a special exception. This year, I'm going to make a resolution regarding my golf game. Am I going to work on my handicap? No. I don't even know what my handicap is, nor do I care. Am I going to practice more? Heck no! I'll practice a bit, but no more than usual. But what I am going to do is resolve to play more. That's it! Seems pretty attainable, right?

See, that's the key to a New Year's resolution - make it attainable. I'm not going to practice more because, well, I don't want to! And, quite frankly, I could care less about my handicap. I play to play. My score is my score. My handicap (or anyone else's for that matter) is meaningless to me. So that's out the window. But I sure do want to play more than I did last year! So there you go. Instant resolution!

Actually, I didn't play much last year and that was kind of a disappointment. I would really like to make the time to play more often. Even if it's just nine holes. Hey, half a round of golf is better than no golf! So I'm going to buck my normal trend and actually make a New Year's resolution. Simple, attainable and something I want to do. I resolve to play more golf in 2011! How about you?

Swing 'til you're happy!

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Golf's Version of Male Penis Envy

There's a conversation that inevitably happens while in the presence of other golfers whom I've never met...and it goes something like this:

Golfer #1: "I'm a 12 handicap!"
Golfer #2: "Really? I'm a 10!"
Golfer #3: "I've recently worked myself down to a 4!"
#1 & #2: "Wow! That's awesome!"

Then they all turn and look at me. With my hands in my pockets and my head down, I haphazardly kick at a broken tee by my feet. Briefly, it crosses my mind to lie. But then I immediately realize my first shot would expose me for who I really am. Sheepishly, I utter the truth: "I'm an 18."

Silence.

Then #3 breaks the ice by telling #1 to go ahead and tee off.

F'ing golf handicaps. I suddenly feel like the least endowed man in the locker room. That's the way it is with the handicap system - it groups the good players and the hacks into separate buckets. This is even more true when you're off the course. Think back to when you've met someone at a non golf-related event and realized you both like golf. I'd bet one of the first things that came up was your handicap.

A few years ago, I was at my wife's work holiday party and she introduced me to her co-worker's husband. Not knowing many other people there, we struck up a conversation that eventually led to us talking about golf. His first question after both of us acknowledged playing golf was, of course, "What's your handicap?" Turns out this guy was a 7. Though we continued our conversation amicably, I just got the feeling he immediately placed me below him in the category of general life successfulness.

OK, perhaps that sounds a bit nuts. But we class people all the time for non golf-related stuff, don't we? Consider this: You're introduced to someone from the same town as you. One of the first thoughts would be to tell each other which neighborhood you live in, right? Well if that person lives in the nicest neighborhood in town, do you think to yourself: "Hmmm, must be rich" (or something along those lines)? Be honest!

Well, it's the same for golf, except our measuring stick is the handicap system. Have you ever noticed foursomes are generally comprised of people with similar golfing abilities? For example, my foursome's handicaps range from 18 to 26. Likewise, a group of low handicappers typically won't play with hackers. I've actually heard a few decent golfers state they won't play with anyone over a 10 handicap because it will "ruin their game." WTF? You know, many people who keep a handicap typically play the same course all the time. If I played the same course all the time, I bet I could lower my handicap too. I mean, probably not down to scratch, but...but I digress.

Anyway, as golfers, perhaps we need to change the way we interact with each other (grant me some leeway here). What if we thought of it in these terms instead: Asking someone to reveal their handicap is like asking them to reveal their salary. To me, it elicits the same kind of subliminal "classing" in someone's head.

Generally speaking, most hacks are pretty down-to-earth about their golfing wretchedness. I know I am. In fact, if people didn't ask me about my handicap the second they realize I play golf, I'd tell them almost immediately that I stink at golf anyway! But asking for someone's handicap - that just instantly puts your game on a scale - people know exactly where they stand in comparison to you and that leaves me feeling a little "exposed." But if I just tell someone "I stink at golf" - that leaves it rather ambiguous. Then if we go play and I shoot an 89, they tell me: "Oh, you're much better than I expected!" See? I like that approach way better than letting a statistic speak for me.

So seeing as the vast majority of golfers stink, it's probably best to keep your handicap to yourself...

And then only reveal it when you need to (like at the club tournament table)...
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Oh, and even in that case, for God's sake, whisper it!

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