Office Putts

A couple golf seasons ago Stinky Golfer Chris posted about betting on the course. He touched upon the various betting games we can par-take in as we play (i.e. Nassau, Wolf, Chicago, etc.). Now, I'm sure at some point most of us have come across the golfer in the group that wants to make the round more "interesting." Well, these gambling golfers have a way of convincing us we actually have a chance of winning, don't they? Those fairway sharks will get you every time.

Whatever the case may be, the chance of winning money is always intriguing. This is why we (my co-workers and I) have taken the idea of betting and golf from the course and brought it to the office environment. Playing off of the title "Office Putts," we have created a game called "Office Putz." I'm guessing you're wondering how to play.

Glad you asked. You will need one of those indoor putting cups, like this: We use the cup and not an indoor putting carpet/green because A) it's a lot cheaper B) our office is carpeted and C) our putts vary in distance, some almost 30 feet. Obviously, you will need a putter and some golf balls. Most importantly you will need a couple of suckers. Hey, it makes for good lunch hour entertainment because we only play at that time...just in case my boss is reading this.

Ok, the idea is not to be the office putz. Here's how it goes down, quite simple I might add; two or more people bet on if a person can make a putt. You either bet with or against the person, obviously. You can bet a dollar or two per putt but we like to bet something way better than money - push-ups. Yep, push-ups. Not only are we betting push-ups, but these push-ups are "on command".

I think you are getting the idea here. The loser of the bet will owe the winner X amount of push-ups (usually 5-10 per putt) as well as take on the title of office putz. It's absolutely hysterical to hear "Hey office putz, gimme 5 now!" as we are waiting for our sandwich at the deli.

Hit'em long...yell FORE!!! Don't be a putz!

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Golfing Until The End...Of Days That Is

Well, May 21st came and went, and we're all still here. And not to sound selfish, even though this will, but I'm still here, and that's what matters most to me. Because if I wasn't still here, then my golfing life would have ended prematurely...and what a waste that would have been.

See, I've never played any of the so called "greatest" courses. And if the world were to end before I had the chance to at least play a few, then I would be seriously pissed.

Also, I have yet to break 90. If I was to die at the end of the world before I ever broke 90 (because I know it's going to happen one of these days) I certainly would have needed to have a sit-down with the planners of this Rapture. And I promise, there would have been several unkind words flying across the table.

Oh, another thing...I've yet to record a hole in one. And statistically speaking, I'm getting closer and closer to pulling it off. If my math is correct, and I'm going up against those 1-in-45,000 odds, then I should have that hole-in-one chalked-up sometime within the next 549 years. If I can step up the amount of rounds I play per year, then maybe I can get that count down a bit. Hey, every little bit helps!

So you see, this whole Rapture thing has really got me thinking. I've slacked off with my golf game for far too long. I have far too many things still to do in my golfing life - places to play, miracle shots to pull off, Nassau's to win, clubs to break over my knee a la Bo Jackson. And how would I feel if I never got the chance to do these things all because of something so silly as the end of days.

Of course, I could always look at the bright side - If Judgement Day were to happen, there's a good chance I would be among the ones left behind. And if that was the case, at least there would be a better chance for me to get a tee-time at Bethpage Black.

Swing 'til you're happy! Because December 21, 2012 is just around the corner!

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Shut Up And Play Your Own Game!

Sometimes it seems to me that many golfers are more concerned with the etiquette and/or actions of other golfers than they are with just golfing themselves. Am I imagining this? I don't think so.

It seems it never fails. We'll be out on the course, and some yahoo we get paired up with begins droning on about how someone in the group ahead of us is pissing him off because he's doing something "wrong." It's after about three or four holes of this that I want to wrap my nine-iron around this guy's neck.

I wonder how many golfers are like this. How many golfers take this game so serious that they actually get visibly angered by the play of other golfers. I understand if someone is just deliberately slow. But to get that angry about it? Come on now.

Some people complain about the most ridiculous things on the course. Sometimes these complaints may even have nothing to do with, or have any effect on, the round they are playing. So I get to thinking about some of the most ridiculous complaints I hear from other golfers. Let's take a look.

1. The guy who needs absolute silence, even when he's not hitting his shot - Mr. Anti-social. Look, one of the main reasons I play golf is for the camaraderie. I want to have conversation. I want to make jokes. I want to have a good time out there. But you have a guy who is taking his game so serious that you'd think he was on the back nine on Sunday within two strokes of the lead! Dude, lighten up. If you need silence at all times and can't be social with the people you're paired up with, then wait for the chance to play by yourself. As a matter of fact, with that attitude, I can understand why you showed up alone to begin with!

2. The guy who takes offense to your betting. Hey pal, mind your business. Why is this any of your concern to begin with? What does my $2 Nassau have to do with your round. Now, I understand if we're talking about the bet during your swing. And I understand if we're holding up the round because we're trying to figure out who owes who what money. But if that's not the case, and we're just betting because we want to bet...then how is this a problem for you?

3. The guy who is worried about another golfer's appearance. Again, how does this have any affect on you or your game? Why do you care if the guy in the group ahead of us is not wearing a collared shirt? Did you shank that last drive because you were distracted by that guy's cut-off jean shorts? I don't care if the guy is in his pajamas! He's playing golf. We're at a golf course. Seems OK to me! So what if he's wearing a pair of Chuck Taylors rather than Foot-Joy's! As a matter of fact, the more ridiculous someone looks, the more entertaining it is for me and my buddies!

4. The guy who doesn't understand the difference between slow play and poor play. If the group in front of you has a guy who takes his time getting to his ball, and when he finally gets there he takes a little while to decide which club to use. Then he has to take eight or nine practice swings, address the ball, step away, take a couple more swings, etc....then go ahead and complain. But if the person just isn't a good golfer, but he's trying...then shut your pie hole. None of us are born golfers. It takes practice. You know, at one time, you sucked also. And it's even worse when the complaint is about a couple of senior citizens who don't quite move as quickly as they once did. Hey buddy...you'll be lucky to reach that age someday and still be able to come out here and play. If you do, do you want people complaining about you? Didn't think so.

5. The guy who calls you out for a gimme or for using your toe iron. It's not a competition pal and I don't take it all that serious. We're not playing against each other. If we were, then go ahead and say something to me. But if I give my ball a little nudge out from behind a rock...it's not your concern. I didn't change the numbers on your scorecard. I didn't move your ball. I didn't cause you to lose a bet, did I? Of course not...because you're offended by my wager to begin with!

There are many more, but I think I've made my point by now. All I'm trying to say really is, don't be "that guy." Just enjoy the game for what it is. Relax. Have fun. Don't be in such a hurry and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. Just play your game and have a good time. If you were that great at this sport, then trust me....you wouldn't be paired up with me and my golfing buddies in the first place.

Swing 'til you're happy!

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