Golf...A Game Of Averages?

Literally, golf is dominated by averages. Besides the whole thing of handicapping and averaging your scores or figuring out your GIR or how many putts per round so on and so forth. Averages rule this roost...average golfers that is.

Power in numbers my friends and the best thing about that is every golfer is involved in the process of figuring out the "average" golfer. From scratch golfers to scratched-out-scorecard golfers, we are all tossed into the big ol' number cruncher and voila - the average golfer is born.

I like to look at other numbers to average that are more realistic and mean more to my game. So here are a few of my criteria that help me determine where I stand.

• How many balls did I lose?
• How many Mulligans did I take?
• How many clubs are broken or need repair?
• How many obscenities did I use?
• How many times did I yell "Fore!!!"?

You get the point. In this game of averages why not use some thing that makes sense. As an average golfer, if I went home after a round and told the warden or one of my buddies "Hey, today I averaged 2.4839409 putts per hole." They could care less but if I told them that I only took 3 mulligans and only used the "F" word 7 times - they could relate!

How beautiful such an average word like "average" could be. Not to get all Sigmund Freud on this but, really good golfers (not all of them) must be pissed that they work so hard to be a scratch golfer and to have that score thrown in with likes of us regular golfers to determine the average. You know there is a permanent hair across their ass when they are behind a foursome of hacks. They sit there and bitch and moan about the group in front. Hey you pompous scratch golfers, maybe if you shot better the average golfers score would be higher... :)

Hit'em long...yell FORE!

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World's Smallest Golf Course.

Bobby Jones once said "Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half inch course � the space between your ears."

I understand he was referring to playing on a higher level than your average golfer's weekend outing but, there is definitely something here for every golfer. I think we've stumbled upon something disproving the age old saying "Ignorance is bliss."

Do we ever stop and think that the mental game is just about as important as the physical game? I'd bet maybe 75% of average golfers say they are just out there to have fun. I get it; me too but, how much fun is it when it takes you four attempts to get on the green from five yards out? That five-and-a-half-inch course Jones talks about is a real mother-f'er.

Ah yes, using the old bean. I can only imagine the thought process that a pro golfer goes through on every shot. Then again, that's another gray area; If you think too much it's not good and if you don't think at all you may look like a jack-ass. Ultimately, I'm guessing the goal is to master that small course as best you can first.

As bad a golfer as you may be, stop and think about what you are doing out there. Learn about the game and the basic strategies. Pretty soon you will be having fun sinking birdie or eagle putts. I've realized that the game becomes more fun when I challenge the course as it does me. No matter what my end score is, I'll walk away and trully say I had fun.

Just my $0.02

Hit'em long...yell FORE!

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The Declaration of Golf Independence

When on the golf course, it becomes necessary for average hacks to reject the madness of traditional golf doctrine, and to assume among the powers they have within themselves to cast-off the shackles that cloud their judgement on the first tee, a decent respect to the opinions of fellow golfers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the rejection.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all golfers are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unimaginable talents, that among these are scratch handicaps, 300-yard drives and backspin on the greens. Because some golfers were born with these talents, it does not mean anyone can derive awesome golf powers merely on the advice of a superior player. That whenever any golfer (or equally, any golf publication) becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the average hack to ignore it, and to institute his or her own golf philosophies, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety (as well as the safety of those in their foursome) and most importantly, their happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that long established golf traditions should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that average hacks are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the zany golf gadgets which are forced upon them.

But when a long train of tips and swing advice, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a feeling of insurmountable odds, it is the average hack's right, it is their duty, to throw off such golf rhetoric and confusing nonsense, and to provide new ideals for their future golf contentment.

Such has been the patient sufferance of many average hacks; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to stray from their former sources of golf incertitude in an effort to obtain golfing bliss. The history of traditional golf opinion is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over so many golfers across the globe.

We, therefore, the representatives of average hacks everywhere, appealing to the golf masses of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good golfers of these lands, solemnly publish and declare, that average hacks are, and of right ought to be free to stink if they want to; that they do not always have to keep their heads down; and that they may take as many Mulligan's as they wish (so long as they do not hold up the group behind them). Thus, average hacks have full power to enjoy golf in whatever form they desire, and to do all other acts and things which independent golfers may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our camaraderie, our greens fees and our sacred honor of hitting it straight when everyone is watching us on the first tee.

Play Golf, Be Happy, Yell Fore.
-Golfstinks Team

Note: Obviously, this is a golf parody of the original Declaration of Independence. We thought it prudent to publish such a parody on this July 4 to help speak for the so many frustrated average golfers out there who are overwhelmed with golfing tips and swing advice. Golf doesn't have to be frustrating and it's OK to stink - trust us, you're not alone. Happy Independence Day.

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Golf Dude In The Basement

In my pursuit to find anything unorthodox and interesting in the golf world, I've come across something that normally we do not write about - swing/golf lessons.

You see, Golfstinks' mission is to unite the average golfer and provide a community for them, not necessarily tell them what they should do on the course. In this instance though, Golf Dude In The Basement presents helpful insight to improving your golf game without really telling you what to do. Weird, I know.

GDIB's approach to game improvement takes a different angle than the keep your back straight-shoulder facing the target- knees slightly bent- BLAH BLAH BLAH generic formula to play better golf. One of the Dude's (as he refers to himself) theories is to hit the ball the way you want to hit it. In one of his episodes he talks about Ben Hogan and his swing. He said Ben Hogan swung the way he did out of motivation...he had to make a living. Hogan didn't work on his swing for hours and hours. He hit balls for hours and hours with his swing because that's what worked for him.

Very interesting, just get out there and play. I can dig that! If Ben Hogan supposedly had the perfect swing than how does someone like Jim Furyk with his funky swing play on the tour and win? Because Furyk's swing works for Jim Furyk. He hits the ball the way he wants to hit it. The more I think about it the more I like the concept. A simple no BS way to attack the game.

When you get a chance, head on over to Golf Dude In The Basement and check him out for yourself. As always, hit'em long...yell FORE!

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Requirements For Being A Stinky Golfer

We here at Golfstinks.com love the game, so don't let the name fool you. At some point, I'm pretty sure every golfer out there has voiced their opinion that "golf stinks" - whether it be half-heartedly or, for the moment, on the whole. You see, this is the common factor that links 99% of the golfers out there; we're all alike in our not-so-great play. Do we quit and hang up the sticks? Hell no! We go out and buy more expensive ones.

So, about this stinking at golf thing. Take a look at these next ten questions:

1. Do you play or have you ever played some form of golf? (Driving ranges count, mini or putt-putt golf does not, and don't tell me you are working on your putting. When the hell did a green ever have a clown's mouth or windmill)?

2. Are you good?

3. Do you stink?

4. Do you own golf clubs or at least one golf club (not used for protection)?

5. Do you enjoy the game for the most part?

6. Do you create curse words on the course that makes holy water boil?

7. Do you use a golf ball to play (any kind, range balls included)?

8. Can you use a term from golfstinks.com's Average Joe Golf Glossary to describe any part of your last round?

9. Can you recall that last great shot or memory you had on the course that'll keep you coming back?

10. Are you going to golf again?

I'll tell you what, if you answer yes to any of these requirements, you my friend, are part of a community - our community - of over 25 million members strong. Now get out there and play...(and of course, yell fore)!

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The Consequences of being a Good Golfer

There's an old Jerry Seinfeld bit that pokes fun at how people view those who won silver medals instead of gold: "What happened? Did you trip? Didn't hear the gun go off?" Seinfeld highlights the preposterous fact that a fraction-of-an-inch is the difference between the "greatest guy in the world" and "never heard of him."

Well, the same can be said of golf. You see, the vast majority of golfers stink - we have trouble breaking 90 or even 100. Then there's a smaller group of "better players" who will shoot in the 80's regularly and break into the 70's once-in-a-while. Meanwhile, the tour players are a tiny, elite group of talented athletes who are making money because they are the best golfers the world has to offer.

But what about that other group? You know - those scratch golfers that can shoot around par most of the time, but are just a smidge shy of that elite "best in the world" class? In my opinion, these people have it the worst.

I once worked with a woman who had just gone through a terrible divorce. Did he cheat on her? No. Beat her? No. Verbally abuse her? No. This guy lost his marriage because he was a really good golfer - the type of player we average hacks are always striving to be.

He consistently shot near par, and won many local tournaments. These talents led him on a quest to make a mini tour (to compare to baseball, this would be the A or double-A leagues of golf, where the Nationwide Tour would be equivalent to triple-A). This kept him on the road and away from home. Friends and family would praise his golfing abilities and encourage him to keep trying to qualify for any tour he could. But he wasn't making any money doing this - in fact, he was spending more than he could make, and at 30, he was neglecting other responsibilities in his life. Thus came the inevitable strain on his marriage, fights with his wife, and subsequent separation. He's never qualified for the PGA tour. I'm not sure he even qualified for a mini tour.

But even if he had made a mini tour, would his life be more stable? Would the money start rolling in? Hardly. In the April 2010 edition of Cigar Aficionado, there's an article penned by Hooters Tour-player, Nick Mackay. Mackay, perhaps unintentionally, paints an uninviting portrait of life on a mini tour - driving across the American South, racking up more than 30,000 miles on his car annually and paying over a grand to enter a tourney where he may not even make the cut (which also means he wouldn't get paid).

Mackay will turn 28 in May, and it appears other responsibilities are catching up to him. "Due to several factors" he only played in 10 events in 2009. And he disclosed that being short on cash forced him to skip the PGA Q School in 2010: "...the hefty entry fee is the main reason I did not sign up to go back to [Q] school for the third time this year. It was a tough decision, but in my circumstance, paying the rent during the winter took precedence over career ambitions." Regardless, Mackay still says he would never trade life on the mini tour for a steady paycheck. I wish him all the luck in the world. But that's a tough sell when you're pushing 30 and are partaking in what he describes as "glorified gambling" for a living.

The reality is we all want to be good golfers. But to be that good yet not good enough? Sometimes...just sometimes, in a fleeting moment of sheer arrogance and/or bitterness, I like to think I'm the one in the better position - glad that I'm not good enough to consider chasing down pipe dreams while wasting my time and money.

But that's all BS. The moment I finish posting this, I'm off to buy a new driver - one that I hope will make me a better player; closer to the level of Mr. Mackay, the divorcee or anyone else who ever had a shot at the gold medal.

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