FoxSports' New Golf Web Series is a Raunchy Ace!

A little over two weeks ago, Stinky Golfer Chris wrote a post pleading with the Golf Channel to feature more quality programming - namely programming that your typical average Joe golfers can relate to.

Fast forward a week or so and I receive an email embedded with the trailer for a new animated web series called "Of Course" - set to debut this coming Monday on FoxSports.com. As creator Skadaddle Media perfectly puts it, Of Course "unveils the truth behind what happens when four friends get together on the golf course." Well I say, let the good times roll!

The show's characters (Doug, Bender, Tim and Eric) go from talking trash to talking about sexual experiences to telling a few jokes at the expense of their wives - all while they shank, slice and hook their way through a round of 18! They may win or lose the round but it doesn't matter because the moments and laughs shared amongst friends can't be replaced by a birdie!

After viewing the trailer (see below) and checking-out their site, I gotta say, I'm on the hook to see what's next. "Of Course" is a breath of fresh air that average hacks like me can actually watch and relate to. Good job guys, I'm looking forward to the entire season!

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Fore & Cheers! Do You Drink & Golf?

I've posted about drinking on the course before - mainly about the antics that ensue from the combination of a good buzz and a golf cart.

But drinking and golf go back long before the golf cart was invented. Think about that for a second - the Scots invented the game - what are the odds old Tom Morris kept a flask wedged between his mashie and spoon?

I know that many who belong to the Tennis Shoe Crowd strap a cooler of beer to the cart simply because they don't know what else to do on a golf course. But what about those of us that play more frequently?

Here's where I'm a bit confused. I like beer. I have a couple drafts in the 19th hole after nearly every round. But I never drink on the course. What makes this strange is that I'll smoke a nice Connecticut-wrapped, Honduran cigar on the course, but rarely do I puff a Churchill when I'm not on the links. What gives?

What's more, golf seems to encourage drinking. OK, I'm not saying golf will drive you to drink - I mean, it may...but what I'm saying is you play in a tournament and there's alcohol everywhere. There's beer before and after the round; the MOFOBETE has beer; and organizers may even bring in scantaly-clad ladies to set-up cocktail booths at different holes (those girls are trouble by the way - and no Honey, I never talk to them...I don't even look at them)...

Anyway, all this has me pondering why I don't drink on the course. And I guess my answer is this: I care too much about my game to impair it with alcohol - be it one beer or ten.

Wow. Sorry, I didnt realize how much that last statement makes me sound like a complete jackass. You see, I stink at golf. I don't even have an outside shot at winning a local tourney, let alone a professional one. But the truth is, I take golf too serioulsy to drink while playing it. Am I alone?

Take the poll and let me know...

Do You Drink While You Golf?

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Help! I Need New Golf Clubs!

So I have this set of golf clubs, right? Thing is, I've had these golf clubs for some time...going on twelve years now. Actually, it's the first set of golf clubs I had ever purchased when I was originally introduced to this great game.

The set came with irons three through nine, three woods (driver, 3 and 5) and a pitching wedge. Two of those woods (the driver and the three) are long gone...as is the wedge. The driver was once replaced with a nice Callaway Big Bertha. I lost the ability to hit that straight and it no sooner found its way to eBay. I replaced the wedge with one I received as a gift and added another one later.

Putters have come and gone. Bags have done the same. But what's remained consistent through all of the change surrounding them are my original irons and trusty five wood. They do the job, and my five wood off the tee is probably the most consistent club in my bag.

I want to sit here and say I have this emotional attachment to my clubs, and that's why I still have them. I want to say they are good enough for me and new clubs aren't going to make me any better or improve my game at all. I also don't want to lie. Neither of the two previous statements are true. I want new clubs. I need new clubs. I just can't friggin' afford them!

Now I know some of you are probably saying to yourselves the same things I've said to myself. "I don't need to spend $1,000 to get a good set of clubs" or "Just get a decent set of irons for now and worry about the driver and other stuff later." I've got that down. I've tried a bunch of clubs and have pretty much narrowed it to a few relatively affordable sets. The problem is...I still just can't friggin' afford them!

So my new quest has been to discover WHY I can't afford them. I've narrowed that down to three issues:

#1 - My own foolishness with my money:

A few years ago, I got into a car accident. I was uninjured, but my car was totaled. The other guy's insurance company however, did not want the car. So they offered me a nice amount of money to just keep it - an offer which I gladly accepted. The car was drivable, just a bit unattractive. But hey, it was paid off and the insurance company gave me more money to keep driving it! So I have this nice sum of money now. But instead of doing something responsible with it - like buying a new set of golf clubs - I decided to purchase a sports car that I had wanted for a few years. So now, terrible gas mileage, many high car payments and expensive maintenance bills later...I have no new golf clubs. Good job Chris.

#2 - My wife:

Hey guys...do any of these look familiar to any of you?

Well, for your sake...I hope not. But unfortunately, I'm sure they do. My wife calls them purses or pocketbooks. I call them the bane of my golf existence. My wife somehow believes they are necessary. I can understand they are necessary...in limited quantities. I do not understand why so many are necessary! At any point in the day, there are at least two of these in her car, several more in our bedroom, maybe one or two in the family room, and who knows how many in random closets throughout the house! The cost of these things interferes with the cost of my new clubs! How do I know how much they cost? I don't. But what I do know is I have to order Rosetta Stone to pronounce the names! That makes them too expensive. Honey, if you're reading this....we have to suspend your next purchase or two. You have enough. I need clubs. I'll bet if my clubs were made by some famous Italian fashion house I would have them by now! Of course, if that was the case...she would have taken up golf already.

#3 - My job:

See, the problem with my job is...I currently don't have one. I guess I don't really need to go into much detail here. The fact that I don't currently have a job is explanation enough. But, since roughly 1 out of 7 people in the country play golf, and 1 out of every 10 adults in the country are unemployed right now...I'm sure I'm not the only golfer currently dealing with this problem.

So there it is in a nutshell. Three reasons I have not purchased new clubs, and may not purchase them anytime soon. Getting a job would help. So if anyone is hiring, please hit me up. I'm willing to do just about anything if the pay is good enough, as long as it involves keeping my clothes on. It's not that I wouldn't take my clothes off for money....it's just that you don't want to see it. Trust me.

I just want new clubs.

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Golf and This Thing of Ours

Recently, I ran across an interesting article about mobsters Al Capone and Sam Giancana's passion for golf. These two Chicago gangsters actually used a nine iron for what it was meant to be used for. Not for nothing but I'm glad I wasn't around to keep score.

Dave Kindred, a contributing writer to Golf Digest wrote:

One dark and steamy Chicago summer night, the telephone rang as Harry Pezzullo watched the fights. Golf pros don't get many late-night pleas from clients. But there was no confusion once Pezzullo heard Sam Giancana's voice. The ganglord said to the pro, "Get your ass down to the club." Money had changed hands that afternoon, most of it leaving Giancana's. He wanted the pro to look at his swing. More than that, he wanted it fixed. Now. "Now?" Pezzullo said. Said Giancana, "Now."

It was getting on to midnight and Harry Pezzullo was in his pajamas. His two sons were asleep. When he told his wife about the call, Mrs. Pezzullo offered sage advice. She said, "Get your ass down there. I don't want 'em coming here." Because Mission Hills had no lighted practice tee, Giancana's boys arranged for their cars' headlights to shine on the boss and the pro. Somebody emptied a gross of new balls onto the ground. Pezzullo looked at Giancana's swing. Made a fix here and there. Rerouted the plane. Fiddled with the grip. The sleight of hand had its drama.

Meanwhile, the golf stories about Al Capone go as follows:

More brazen than wise, Banjo Eyes once accused Capone of cheating. The big guy replied, "On your knees and start praying." He pulled from his golf bag a .45 revolver. Sullivan wrote that only his plea for Banjo Eyes life stayed a fairway execution. Jostled in the golf bag another day, a revolver fired a bullet that tore through Capone's right leg and embedded in the left. A week's stay in the hospital preceded his return to Burnham. "After that," Sullivan wrote, "the boys double-checked to make sure the safety catch was on before they deposited any gun in a golf bag."

With all of this talk about �family� it made me wonder; What would pro-golfers names be if they were gangsters?

The Boss:
Ben Hogan a.k.a �The Godfather� a.k.a "Two Iron Tex"

The Under-Bosses:
Sammy Snead a.k.a uhhhhh��Slammin� Sammy��go figure
Byron Nelson a.k.a �Cut Man�

The Consigliere�s (Advisers):
Jack Nicklaus a.k.a �Nicky Bear�
Arnold Palmer a.k.a �Bay Hill Bang�
Gary Player a.k.a �Lights Out�

The Caporegime�s (Captains):
Greg Norman a.k.a �Shark"...again, go figure.
Fred Couples a.k.a "Boom Boom Copolla"
Payne Stewart a.k.a "St. Stewart" All respect to this man...
Nick Faldo a.k.a "Anchor Man"
Tiger Woods a.k.a "Cablinasian Kid"
John Daly a.k.a "Sloppy Joe"
Sergio Garcia a.k.a "Borriol Bull"
Ernie Els a.k.a " E Double"
Phil Mickelson a.k.a "Lefty Flop"
Vijay Singh a.k.a "Three Finger Fiji"

Now that's a family tournament if I ever saw one...Hit 'em straight and remember: Do the right thing!

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Tiger: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

*UPDATE* - Did we even need a press conference? You could have just read our post from the night before! (see below)

I'm sure you've heard by now that Tiger Woods is going to hold a press conference tomorrow at 11 AM EST; Well, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. You mine as well play the video of A-ROD from last spring training and just superimpose Tiger's face over Alex's.

Do we even need a press conference? I'll tell you what's going to happen right now, 12 hours BEFORE the camera's turn on: He's going to apologize. Apologize for all his transgressions. Apologize to his wife. Apologize to his children. Apologize to his fans. Tell us how he made a mistake(s) and conjure up a few tears for good measure.

Basically, he'll go through the motions of what public relations professionals call a good strategy. Good strategy: Mark McGuire last month. Bad Strategy: Mark McGuire at the 2005 congressional hearings.

Tomorrow is all about PR. Tiger doesn't even have to be 100% believable. And that's the thing - these days, you admit your mistakes and all is forgiven. After tomorrow, Tiger will be back on track to rejoining the tour. Like it or not, it's going to be that easy.

So, we should all stop wondering what's going to happen tomorrow and start wondering what the odds are of Tiger winning the grand slam this year.

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Bigfoot Stole My Golf Ball

Have you ever hit what you thought to be a awesome drive, only to have your ball disappear on you? Well, I've been a victim of this "phenomenon" so many times, I started wondering where all those golf balls could've ended up. I mean, are there millions of golf balls lost in some vortex somewhere? To me, it seems very fishy whenever your golf ball pulls a Houdini act.

Can't you envision Sasquatch (or some other "thing") lumbering out to the fairway from the trees, pausing to look around for a second, then snatching your golf ball before retreating into the depths of the underbrush? Don't laugh, like a creepy forest, scary house or old cemetery, golf courses are not immune to reports of strange activity...

In Roxborough, Colorado, two course workers were picking up the flags one evening at Arrowhead Golf Course. As they approached the 13th hole, they noticed a large whitish-grey, human-like figure approximately 7- to 8-feet tall. The workers high-tailed it out of there, but returned a few minutes later in a golf cart that had headlights. Unfortunately, the creature was gone and left no visible tracks. I'll bet he had a sack full of golf balls on his back too.

On Runaway Bay Golf Course in Wise County, Texas recently, a maintenance worker found a dead Chupacabra. Tony Potter scooped-up the creature and delivered it to authorities after his wife wouldn't let him keep it in their freezer (you can't make this stuff up). Of course, local authorities "are baffled" by the thing and are awaiting test results to find out what it is. Could the Chupacabra be sucking Top-Flite's dry of their playability?

Meanwhile, in England, it appears golf balls are getting beamed-up by alien spacecraft. In the 1990's, a man playing Weald Park Golf Club in Essex spotted a "solid-shaped dome" hovering by some trees in broad daylight. The man hurried to the next tee to gain a better vantage point, but the object had disappeared. Then, in July 2008, two people spotted a "saucer-shaped object" hovering around the town of Harborough's golf course. According to the witnesses, the craft "kept circling over the golf course, disappearing behind trees and then becoming visible again." Most recently, a man spotted "orange balls" over Ufford Park hotel and golf course in Suffolk. The incident happened only a few miles from one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings in 1980.

Finally, in New Orleans' City Park, if you play the old East Course, don't be surprised if you witness a murder...or, at least think you do. Golfers there swear they overhear the sounds of two women golfing, and then one of the women getting shot! Eerily, a woman actually was shot on the course in the early 1960's. And that's not the only phantom on the course - keep a sharp eye for a man standing in the rough, watching you play though (he's on the prowl for Pro V1's no doubt). The man is thought to be the ghost of famous golfer and club maker, Blackie Pustaino. Pustaino passed in 2001 and was buried with his favorite golf trophy. In a haunting twist, a golfer recently found the trophy, which just happened to be lying in the rough on the 18th hole of the old East Course.

So, the next time you hit a what appears to be a great shot, only to be unable to find your ball - don't rule out the paranormal. After all, USGA rule 18-1 states: "If a ball at rest is moved by an outside agency [e.g. our pal Bigfoot], there is no penalty and the ball must be replaced." Of course, I could be watching too many episodes of Ghost Hunters, MonsterQuest and Destination Truth for my own good...

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Total Recall: Danger Comes To The Golf World

What is the world coming to? Toyota and Honda screwing up their cars? The two companies commonly referred to as building the most reliable cars are dropping the ball? What's next? Snow in July?! Health insurance companies dropping their rates?! The Yankees slash payroll?! Dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!!

The fact is, there are recalls every month. And eventually, there are recalls on seemingly just about every car manufactured. Maybe your car isn't one of them. Maybe you've already had the recall taken care of. Well, don't feel too safe yet my friends. You see, the recalls extend a bit farther than your local roads and highways. It seems you may be in just as much danger on your local cartpaths and fairways.

Everyone knows the cart company E-Z-GO. But how many were aware of the recall on their RXV golf carts? There have been 20 reports of the hip restraints breaking. Nine of these instances resulted in broken bones and abrasions from falling out of the cart! Something tells me though, if you're cutting the wheel on your golf cart hard enough to create enough pressure on that hip restraint for it to break....it's not because you noticed you just drove past your ball. It's more likely because you're doing a little stunt driving down the hill on 13.

Have you ever seen one of these:

Well if you do....RUN!!! This is the Segway Golf Transporter GT, and it can be dangerous! This model, along with several others can unexpectedly apply reverse torque to the wheels causing the rider to fall off. However, I have recently come up with a quick fix to this problem allowing one to avoid the recall issue altogether. If you see a fellow golfer using one of these, quickly approach them and warn them they look like a complete idiot riding this thing. Also mention they are fueling the stereotypical fire of golfers not being athletes. If you find that you are the person who is riding this on the course? Consider this your warning - You look like a complete idiot.

The recalls extend even further outside of the transportation products. Have you ever tried one of these:

This is the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar. If you did try one, did you feel a little queasy afterward? Well, that may be...SALMONELLA!! Either that, or you're just out of breath from asking for one. I'll tell you what makes me queasy....standing in line behind the guy who is ordering a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar. In the time it took to order a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar, I could have finished the back nine! Really, who at this company works in the product naming department? Who's the guy that thought 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar is a good name? Yeah, if I have the choice between the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar and the candy bar next to it, am I going to order the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar? Forget salmonella, and I know it's probably better for me than a candy bar, but I won't order a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar just on principle! Besides, what jackass eats a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar anyway? Is it somehow created for just golfers? Does it do more for golfers than another energy bar with a shorter name? Are you that much of a slave to marketing? You need to eat a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar just to order one!

Just like the rest of the products in any industry in the world today, recalls extend to the golf industry as well. Automobiles, baby cribs, paint....and now golf carts. Danger surrounds us at every turn. This is just a small sampling of the perils us golfers face today. I'm sure there are more, but I'm just too out of energy to further research and blog about them. Maybe I'll head over to Staples and see if I can pick up a box of 1st Laptop Chocolate Peanut Butter Fourth Paragraph Blog Energy Bars.

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Four Strokes and seven yards to go...

As we get close to President's Day, I began to wonder how many presidents were golfers and how would they rank amongst each other.

So, with the intentions of embarking on an arduous journey of research and collecting data, I went online and with the click of a few buttons found the following list thanks to Golf Digest!

Without further ado, the ranking of golfing presidents:

1. John F. Kennedy

2. Dwight D. Eisenhower

3. Gerald R. Ford

4. Franklin D. Roosevelt

5. George H. W. Bush

6. George W. Bush

7. Bill Clinton

8. Barack Obama

9. Ronald Reagan

10. Warren G. Harding

11. William Howard Taft

12. Woodrow Wilson

13. Richard M. Nixon

14. Lyndon B. Johnson

15. Calvin Coolidge

Who would of thought that with such a short term, unfortunately, JFK would be leading the pack? Supposedly he had a handicap somewhere between 7-10! Ike picked-up the game at 37 and played over 800 rounds in his career. His handicap hovered somewhere in the 14-17 range.

Ford was a passionate golfer who consistently shot in the 80's. He was also known for his errant shots that would hit spectators. After a round at the Bob Hope Classic he jokingly said: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

FDR was quite an accomplished golfer until stricken with polio. However, one of his greatest contributions to golf was the construction of 250 municipal courses that made the game accessible to hundreds of thousands.

A definite must-read for those interested in golfing presidents should check out: "First Off the Tee: Presidential Hackers, Duffers, and Cheaters from Taft to Bush" written by Don Van Atta Jr. Van Atta, a New York Times reporter, humorously approaches the subject and reveals some interesting things such as Bill Clinton's "Billigans." Van Atta shot a round with the Ex-prez after his term, discovering how, through the use of "Billigans," he was able to break 80. Go figure, of all the presidents that would cheat...

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10 Sure-Fire Signs You're in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don't get me wrong - you can't always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I'm in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links - and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let's take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it's used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it's going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. "But I can get it, I see it right there..." This is golf, not fishing...drop a ball and move on.

2. They're bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people - they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it's a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they're only playing nine.

3. They're a member of the "Tennis Shoe Crowd"
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it's for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes - these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it's your lucky day!

4. There's beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble - especially if it's a cooler full of beer...double-trouble if there's 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don't get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn't a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless...

5. They've got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course - even to putt (see figure 1). Tom's a great guy and we've been friends for years, but I just don't get the two gloves thing - it's just strange...and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago...

6. They're playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you're in for an interesting round...and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There's no reason for this at all - that's why there's a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in - it's going to be a long day.

9. If they're bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks - I'm almost hesitant to shake the guy's hand. We haven't even teed-off and he's already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: "I'm really off my game today").

And finally...
10. They're teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you're paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there - help us all out by leaving a comment.

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