The PoPo of the Golf Course

Every once in a while, my entire foursome will be off their game. Sure, typically one or two of us will pretend we're Lewis & Clark on a wilderness surveying mission, but all four? That's a bit rare. But, it happens.

One of the consequences of this anomaly is the course ranger. I penned a post last year about how starters hate me. Well, sometimes the course rangers hate me too. Who are these officers of the links, mounted on their E-Z-GO steeds?

I'm well-aware of when my group is playing wretchedly. When the four of us have been poking around the edge of the woods, searching for where we "think" our balls should have ended up, I'll glance back at the tee and see the foursome behind us. They're standing there with their legs crossed; one hand on their hip; and the other on the club (which is supporting their body weight). From that posture alone, you know you're playing too slow.

And then it happens (much to chagrin of your foursome and the satisfaction of the one behind you) - The ranger arrives on the scene. Easily identified by the little red flag fluttering atop his cart, you can feel that pit in your stomach begin to churn. That little flag conjures up the same emotions as blue and red flashing lights in your rear-view mirror, doesn't it? Except this time you're doing the exact opposite of speeding.

"Guys, here comes the ranger. Just act cool and we'll be OK."

I quickly check on the group in front of us to see if I can blame them. Crap. Those speed demons have already teed-off on the next hole. By now, the ranger is pulling up alongside us. We try and act nonchalantly - as if we weren't playing slowly at all!

"You fellas need to pick up the pace. We've got a couple groups waiting on you back there."

Sheepishly, I respond: "Yeah, sorry sir (note the use of "sir" like "officer") we'll drop a ball and move on."

Then the ranger speeds away down the cart path to wrangle-in other slow play offenders. He let us off with a warning...this time.

I have never been kicked off a golf course (if you have, please tell us about it) but had the ranger tell us to get a move on a few times. And, I've played courses where they put you on the clock (one course in particular actually handed us a card that told us exactly what time we should be at each hole based on our starting time)!

Ah, such is life on the golf course and we golfers need to be aware of this. No one likes slow play - no one. The courses want to push as many groups through as possible; and golfers don't like waiting behind a group slower than themselves. So, there's people to enforce the law of the links - and they're called the rangers.

Most of these guys are retired, but don't let that fool you - they take their jobs very, very seriously! Heed thy warning: If you think your group is playing too slow, you probably are. Speed it up before the course cops usher you out!

Read more »

The Games we Play on the Golf Course

No, I'm not talking about match- or stroke-play. Nor am I talking about Nassau, bingo bango bongo or any other golf betting games. I'm talking about the games we invent while trekking though 18-holes of wretchedly-played golf.

For example, you've all heard of the Red Tee Salute? Fellas, you know what I'm talking about - when you don't hit your drive past the Women's tees and you are told to play the rest of the hole with your pants around your ankles? The only problem with this game is it's rarely enforced - which is probably for the best.

What about the "closest to the tee marker" game? This is where you stand a bit behind the tee markers and soft-toss golf balls towards them in a bocce-like manner. If you hit the marker you win, unless another person in your foursome hits it too, which will force a one-toss playoff. Good fun indeed.

Heck, even before the round we're playing games. Ever spin a tee in the air to get the hitting order of your foursome? This is our buddy Stinky Golfer Tom's favorite part of golf (seriously, it's all downhill for Tom from there).

Interestingly, if it wasn't for slow play, some of these games would never exist. Take golf-hockey for instance - you know that one - it's where you're waiting on the tee and one guy plays goalie between the tee-box markers while another tries to shoot and score. This is fun till someone takes it in the shin.

Meanwhile, some games are played on the go - like the one where you toss your ball onto the tee-box as you approach in a cart. Though I never really figured out the object of this game - is it to hit the tee marker, or is it just to land it close to one of them? Perhaps it's to get it right between the markers (like right where you're going to tee-it-up). Not that it matters - most of us like throwing objects at other objects anyway so, let the games begin.

I have a new game I'd like to run by you. It stems from people who dress like they have scratch handicaps and then proceed to hack-up the course. I think everyone should come to the course dressed nicely but bring a bag filled with older, worn-out and cheap clothes. Every terrible shot you hit, you have to replace an article of clothing you're wearing with one from the crappy clothes bag. Whoever is dressed the worst at the end of the round has to buy the drinks in the 19th-hole. Thoughts?

Finally, every decent golfer I know (handicap under 10) can bounce a ball off one of their irons multiple times a la Tiger Woods. I myself can keep it going for about three bounces and then it drops. It sucks I stink at that since the game seems like a good time-waster if you're stuck behind Shanks, Hook, Skull and Slice.

But how much do you have to practice to be really good at bouncing a ball off the club face? Perhaps it takes a decent amount of hand-eye coordination that I (or other "average" golfers) don't have? Hmmm. Maybe we should tell people who are thinking about taking up golf to practice bouncing a ball off a club for a few days. If they can't keep it going for more than 10 in a row, perhaps they should try tennis instead - it will save them years of anguish.

Read more »

Introducing: The Stroke Clock!

Slow play. It's probably at the top of most golfers' complaint lists. Everyone is in such a hurry to get through the game that they can't stand to be held up for even a minute. But if everyone knows how much it burns other golfers, then why do they do it?

Many have brought up the idea that the it's the pros who cause the game to be played so slowly. I can understand that. Watching the pros at a tournament can be flat-out boring at some points. Taking an endless amount of practice swings, wandering around the ball for a little while, then taking a few more practice swings before they finally hit the ball...my goodness! Just wake me up when he's done already!

It's remarkable how much that sounds like the schmuck in front of you, isn't it? That's because the schmuck in front of you watches the tour and thinks he can/should do what they do. Well guess what slow guy...you can't and you shouldn't. And I'm not one to normally complain about slow play - I feel that if you're expecting to hurry, then you're playing the wrong game. But when someone is deliberately that slow..., you know what I'm getting at.

So in another effort to help improve viewership of the sport as well as, indirectly, improve the pace of play on the course for the rest us, I offer you another idea from the minds of golfstinks - The Stroke Clock. As you could probably figure, the stroke clock would work much the same as both the shot clock in basketball and play clock in football - You have X amount of time to get your shot off.

Think about that for a second. Another element of competition added to a sometimes pretty dull sport to watch. Not only are you playing against the field and the course, but now you are racing a clock as well! Some benefits to the clock? Well, picking up the pace of the game for starters. No more "play suspended by darkness." No more watching a player wander around his ball and take enough practice swings that you'd think he's in the middle of a lesson. Just get to your ball, focus and swing already!

And of course, the benefit for the rest of non-pros, speed of play on the public tracks we hack our way through every weekend is bound to speed up as well. All of those players who take their time because that's what they see the pros do, will have a whole new outlook on the pace of the game! Well, theoretically anyway. But one could hope!

The NBA adopted a shot clock in order to improve the pace of play, therefore increasing scoring and amping up the excitement of the game. The NFL did the same when they adjusted the play clock from 45 seconds down to 40. Even MLB occasionally attempts to speed up the pace of play by putting the pitchers on a clock. And there are penalties for not abiding by each. In the NBA, you lose possession of the ball. In the NFL it's a five-yard penalty. And in MLB, when enforced, it's an automatic ball for the pitcher. How about losing a stroke in golf if you don't get your shot off within 45 seconds of arriving at your ball? Seem a bit harsh? Well, maybe for a season they administer one or two warnings before assessing the stroke penalty. But after that season...you know the rules.

And lets face it, in a sport that has as many ridiculous rules as golf does, one to speed up the pace of play and possibly make the game more exciting might be one to consider implementing.

Swing 'til you're happy!

Read more »

Why I Love Taking 5 Hours to Play Golf

Do you know one of the reasons why I like playing close to Thanksgiving in New England? I usually have the whole course to myself (save for a few wandering souls here and there). I enjoy my round just a little bit more when I don't feel rushed (or, conversely, if I'm waiting 4 foursomes deep on the tee).

Yep, this time of year, I can squeeze-out 18-holes in about 5 hours.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: "Five hours!? Are you crazy!? What are you, a tortoise? With no one in front of me, I could finish a round WAY faster than that!"

Yep, I surmise you could. But if you find yourself alone; on a perfect day; on the golf course; at the end of the season; and you blow through your round in 3 hours...I have news for you: You're an idiot.

What is this fascination we have with haste? Why, when we set out to do something, must we do it in the fastest way humanly possible? How can this possibly make sense for everything we do? I mean, I understand haste when the situation warrants it: "Holy...My sleeve's on fire! Quick, splash me with that bucket of water as fast as humanly possible!" Completely understandable. Or: "Can you lift this boulder off my leg as fast as humanly possible?" Again, nothing strikes me as odd there.

How about this one: "What a beautiful day to be out on the golf course! There's cool breeze, warm sun and it appears we're the only group for several holes! Let's play as fast as humanly possible."

Sounds ridiculous, right? See? That's my thought exactly. Yet, there are many, many golfers who are off to the races the second they step foot on the first tee - like it's a challenge to finish in record time. You know, they have a golf variation for that - it's called Speed Golf, and you can read about it HERE.

Think you're not a speed golfer? Consider this: How do you feel about a 5-hour round? Do you cringe at the thought? Maybe you just think: "Gee, that's an awful long time for a round of golf." In either case, you're doing yourself a disservice. After all, this is a game you love. You've waited all week to play; confirmed (three times) with your significant other that you'll be on the course Saturday; and spent an outrageous sum of money on new golf balls. Face it, you love it. Soooooooo...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU RUSHING FOR?

I blame the courses. Think about why 4 hours is the norm. It's not because old Tom Morris had to rush home and mow the lawn! No, it started because golf course managers figured out they could make more money if they got people to play faster! It's basic economics. There's only so much daylight and the quicker they can shove people through the course, the more greens fees they can collect. So now the problem is everybody thinks golf was meant to be played in 4 hours!

Obviously courses can and do put you on the clock - I understand that - they have to make money to stay in business. But I don't have to accept that as the norm! That's why I thoroughly enjoy when no one is around me - because I can play at a comfortable pace. Have you ever timed what your "comfortable pace" is on the course? Unless you're a speed golfer, I bet it's close to 5 hours.

Look, no one likes to wait on every hole, but there's a difference between waiting and slowing down and enjoying. Next time you've got a few holes open behind you, slow it down and enjoy - you'll find 5 hours isn't so bad after all.

Read more »

Public Golf Courses Get A Bad Rap

In 1895, two great things happened to the game of golf: The pool cue was officially banned for use as a putter by the USGA; and the biggest city in the country established the first public course in America: Van Cortlandt Golf Course in the Bronx, NY.

Soon after opening, the course was suffering from all the stereotypical things we hear about public tracks today: "Poor playing conditions, unmanageable crowds, and a general lack of golf etiquette." But within three years, the grounds were cleaned-up, playing rules were established, and the number of holes increased from 9 to 18. As a symbol of its longevity, the course is still open today - accepting tee-times from Wall Street bankers and sanitation engineers alike.

Unfortunately for golf though, the stereotypes of public courses still exist. The notion that if you play a daily fee or (God forbid) a municipal course, you're in for bad grooming, waits on every tee, and worst of all: you've got to deal with the average slob who doesn't know how to conduct himself like a gentleman.

Ah but the reality is much of this is exaggerated. Let's examine each of these stereotypes in more depth...

Public Courses have Bad Grooming: I've played 18-hole, daily fee courses (both expensive and inexpensive alike) all over this country and have not found many in complete shambles. Sure, a few need some help, but these are by far in the minority. These days, increased knowledge in course architecture, seeding and sprinkler systems, and better grooming equipment have made it hard for public courses to fall into utter disarray. While it still happens on occasion - especially in tough economic times - the majority of public courses are lush and playable (especially the tee-boxes, fairways and greens). Don't get me wrong, not many can compare to Augusta, but then not many private courses can either.

Public Courses have Long Waits on Every Tee: I'm not going to lie to you, there may be times when you will wait on every tee. While this is annoying, it is also rare and usually avoidable. The reality is there are some courses that will squeeze in too many groups in an effort to capitalize on profits. There are also some courses that fail to employ enough rangers to manage the slow pokes. But in either case, these courses are most likely repeat offenders and golfers usually know what to expect before even pulling into the parking lot. But the majority of public courses get it. They understand how to space foursomes out so backups don't occur. They also understand how to manage a slow group holding others up. And most courses usually have a strict tee-time policy, which is a good thing - it ensures there's not a backup on the first tee. While there still can be an occasional backup on one or two tees, backups on every hole are very infrequent.

Perhaps the real concern is how long it takes to play an 18-hole round on a public track? Well, let me ask you this: How long do you expect 18-holes to take? It seems to me my private club friends are always bragging about how quickly they can finish a round. "Oh, I finished 18 in 2.5 hours yesterday!" WTF? That's not golf, that's insanity. Where the hell is the joy in that? Look, four hours is normal. But on a public course, expect it to take five hours. You have to realize that people play golf for enjoyment - thus they are going to chat, have a dog and a beer at the turn, and lose a few balls here and there - and usually, these people are keeping up with the group in front of them! These days with how popular the sport has gotten, you can't sweat-it if it takes five hours to finish a round on a public course - in fact, you should plan on it.

Public Courses Attract Un-Gentlemanly Golfers who Don't Know Etiquette: It stinks that a small few can give public courses a bad rap. Truth is, all it takes is one golfer who is ignorant (or indifferent) to the etiquette-side of the game, and the hold-up begins. But again, this is usually the exception during a round, not the norm. Occasionally, (usually while on the same courses that allow on too many foursomes, I may add) you may get stuck behind a newbie who doesn't know when to pick-up and move-on. You can decrease your chances of this happening by playing a course that has a strict tee-time policy (since many newbies and hacks are walk-ons who've decided last minute to dust-off the old clubs and play). And making an early tee-time is even better - when there are more serious players out on the course. But again, it's extremely rare I get paired-up with someone who is clueless about etiquette - most public golfers know these unwritten rules quite well and play rather efficiently.

So it seems public golf courses have been given a bad rap. But the reality is the game of golf has changed. Regular Joe players are starting to see golf as relaxation rather than a competitive activity. Sure competitiveness is fun, but it's more about spending time with their friends, away from their everyday lives. Five-hour rounds (e.g. a day at the course) are becoming the norm and veteran golfers are beginning to adjust to this.

Meanwhile, public courses already outnumber private clubs two-to-one and that ratio is growing due to this down economy - which means the bulk of golfers play on public tracks...which also means if so many of us are going to be playing this game, we need to take public golf courses for what they are for: Leisure, fun and enjoyment.

Read more »

10 Sure-Fire Signs You're in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don't get me wrong - you can't always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I'm in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links - and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let's take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it's used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it's going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. "But I can get it, I see it right there..." This is golf, not fishing...drop a ball and move on.

2. They're bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people - they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it's a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they're only playing nine.

3. They're a member of the "Tennis Shoe Crowd"
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it's for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes - these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it's your lucky day!

4. There's beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble - especially if it's a cooler full of beer...double-trouble if there's 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don't get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn't a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless...

5. They've got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course - even to putt (see figure 1). Tom's a great guy and we've been friends for years, but I just don't get the two gloves thing - it's just strange...and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago...

6. They're playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you're in for an interesting round...and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There's no reason for this at all - that's why there's a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in - it's going to be a long day.

9. If they're bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks - I'm almost hesitant to shake the guy's hand. We haven't even teed-off and he's already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: "I'm really off my game today").

And finally...
10. They're teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you're paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there - help us all out by leaving a comment.

Read more »