The Games we Play on the Golf Course

No, I'm not talking about match- or stroke-play. Nor am I talking about Nassau, bingo bango bongo or any other golf betting games. I'm talking about the games we invent while trekking though 18-holes of wretchedly-played golf.

For example, you've all heard of the Red Tee Salute? Fellas, you know what I'm talking about - when you don't hit your drive past the Women's tees and you are told to play the rest of the hole with your pants around your ankles? The only problem with this game is it's rarely enforced - which is probably for the best.

What about the "closest to the tee marker" game? This is where you stand a bit behind the tee markers and soft-toss golf balls towards them in a bocce-like manner. If you hit the marker you win, unless another person in your foursome hits it too, which will force a one-toss playoff. Good fun indeed.

Heck, even before the round we're playing games. Ever spin a tee in the air to get the hitting order of your foursome? This is our buddy Stinky Golfer Tom's favorite part of golf (seriously, it's all downhill for Tom from there).

Interestingly, if it wasn't for slow play, some of these games would never exist. Take golf-hockey for instance - you know that one - it's where you're waiting on the tee and one guy plays goalie between the tee-box markers while another tries to shoot and score. This is fun till someone takes it in the shin.

Meanwhile, some games are played on the go - like the one where you toss your ball onto the tee-box as you approach in a cart. Though I never really figured out the object of this game - is it to hit the tee marker, or is it just to land it close to one of them? Perhaps it's to get it right between the markers (like right where you're going to tee-it-up). Not that it matters - most of us like throwing objects at other objects anyway so, let the games begin.

I have a new game I'd like to run by you. It stems from people who dress like they have scratch handicaps and then proceed to hack-up the course. I think everyone should come to the course dressed nicely but bring a bag filled with older, worn-out and cheap clothes. Every terrible shot you hit, you have to replace an article of clothing you're wearing with one from the crappy clothes bag. Whoever is dressed the worst at the end of the round has to buy the drinks in the 19th-hole. Thoughts?

Finally, every decent golfer I know (handicap under 10) can bounce a ball off one of their irons multiple times a la Tiger Woods. I myself can keep it going for about three bounces and then it drops. It sucks I stink at that since the game seems like a good time-waster if you're stuck behind Shanks, Hook, Skull and Slice.

But how much do you have to practice to be really good at bouncing a ball off the club face? Perhaps it takes a decent amount of hand-eye coordination that I (or other "average" golfers) don't have? Hmmm. Maybe we should tell people who are thinking about taking up golf to practice bouncing a ball off a club for a few days. If they can't keep it going for more than 10 in a row, perhaps they should try tennis instead - it will save them years of anguish.

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