Golf After Global Warming; It's Gonna Be Great!

As I sit here looking out my window at nearly three feet of snow, I can't help but wonder whatever happened to global warming? Remember that? Here in Connecticut, that soon to be extinct white stuff fell at an unprecedented rate over the last few weeks (separate storms produced 14", 11", 2", 22" and 4" of snow within 20 days).

I guess the reality is, as long as we're driving around burning the remnants of dinosaur bones and chopping down trees like Paul Bunyon, global warming is something that will eventually happen. Oh we may not be around to see it, but our great, great, great grandkids will probably be basting in warmer temps across the globe.

Sure, the glaciers will be gone; earthquakes will be rampant; and you'll need an acid-retardant suit to go swimming in the ocean, but I'll tell you this: The golf industry will have it made!

Think about that for a second. Once global warming takes hold, most golf courses will be able to remain open year-round. Do you know what that would do the economics of golf? Today, the sport basically has an economic impact of $80 billion a year. That number could easily double to $160 billion if courses say, in Minnesota, can remain open say, in January.

Let's face it, by then, people (especially the U.S.) will probably be so unhealthy, athletic summer activities like beach volleyball, biking, and anything involving running will be out of the question for most. That being the case, many would most likely gravitate to a sport where they can ride around on a cart the entire time (especially if the cart has a roof to shade them from the massive amounts of UV light that will be coming from the sun in the future).

Now then, with so many people playing golf, merchandise and equipment will be selling like hot cakes. For example, it may not be out of the ordinary for a drugstore chain like Walgreens to have an aisle dedicated to just golf stuff; "Golf balls? Yes ma'am, pass the sunscreen aisle and the water filtration aisle, and the golf aisle will be just after that."

The PGA tour will also benefit from mass amounts of people taking up the game. It will expand to have 10,000 players competing on courses all over the world! Many tour players will be as recognizable as Derek Jeter and Tom Brady (and make as much money as those guys too). Meanwhile, Hooters Tour players will actually make enough money to support their families!

Yep, golf will be so popular, the major networks will compete to broadcast the FedEx Cup in prime time! There will literally be so many tournaments, the Golf Channel will need three networks just to cover it all (unfortunately, the programming on all three will be so lame that most people will get their golf fix on ESPN's dedicated golf network, ESPiNtheHole).

Everyone will have at least one uncle who's a golf pro at some course somewhere. And instead of riding bicycles and playing catch, kids will practice putting and chipping for hours on end and swap golf trading cards of their favorite tour players.

Yes, golf after global warming will be the cat's meow for us golfers. Of course, until then, much of the world will have to settle for waiting for the snow to melt and the ground to thaw and the grass to start growing before they can enjoy this game again. But boy will our great, great, great grandkids be lucky.

So remember, just keep ruining the planet and one day your ancestors will be able to enjoy golf year-round! Of course, all the courses will be made of AstroTurf because no grass will grow due to the giant hole in the ozone, but what the hey...

Posted in: astro turf,derek jeter,ESPN,global warming,golf,golf stinks,golfstinks,hooters tour,ozone,PGA TOUR,Tom Brady